Midland Mainline. Ah, Joy
16/10/06 01:38 PM
Bung Bong Bing!
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome aboard this, the 06:31 Midland Mainline service to London St Pancras, calling next at Loughborough, Leicester, Market Harbrough, Kettering, Wellingborough, Bedford, Luton and due to arrive at London St Pancras at 08:24. This service is fully No Smoking, so please refrain from smoking anywhere on board… this does include the toilets and the vestibule ends. This is for the safety and comfort of your fellow passengers. Please also take a moment of your time to read the safety notices on board, these are situated at the ends of each carriage. There is an M’s bar catering facility on board, situated in Coach F, towards the centre of the train. Please wait for a further announcement as to when this will be open. My name is [Whatever] and I am your Train Manager for the journey, please do not hesitate to contact either myself or any member of the on-train staff should you have any questions or require any further assistance. Once again this is the 06:31 Midland Mainline Service to London St Pancras, calling next at Loughborough, Leicester, Market Harbrough, Kettering, Wellingborough, Bedford, Luton and due to arrive at London St Pancras at 08:24.
Bung Bong Bing!
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is [seems to be ‘Wayne’ qute often] and I am your Customer Host for this morning and I’m pleased to announce that the M’s bar, situated in Coach F, is now open and clear for service, selling a wide variety of hot and cold sandwiches, freshly baked baguettes filled with either sausage, bacon or roast vegetables, freshly baked croissants, sweet and savoury snacks, alcoholic and soft drinks, and of course Midland Mainline’s complimentary tea and coffee. Please wait for a further announcement as to when our freshly baked baguettes and croissants are out of the oven. Why not take advantage of our Meal Deal™ consisting of a sandwich, bottle of pop or water and a bag of crisps for the knock-down bargain price of £3.50. Can’t afford not to, really. Cheap at twice the price. Unfortunately this morning we are unable to offer any hot drinks due to a problem with the boiler. We apologise for any incnvenience this may cause. Once again, the M’s bar, situated in Coach F towards the centre of the train, is now open and clear for service.
Bung Bong Bing!
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now going to announce a problem of some sort. It tends to be along the lines of the train in front, definitely not this one, has broken down, so we have to wait for a bit. Terribly sorry. Okay, most of our marketing literature states that we’re always on time, and sure, we’ve apparently just been awarded Passenger Operator of the Year or something, but we all know that deep down we are terrible. We’ve even stopped giving season ticket holders a 10% discount when you renew, purely because we are now ‘too efficient’. Yep, that’s us. If you are late to your destination, you can try and claim some kind of compensation, but good luck to you
Bung Bong Bing!
So… trying to read are you? Think the announcements have come to an end now, do you? HAH! No way! I love the sound of my own voice far, far too much. Thumbing through your Metro? Loud speaker right above your head making it difficult to concentrate? Prefer it if I shut up? As if! I’m thinking of a second career as a DJ so I need to continually make announcement after announcement. I will state twice, the up-coming station. Then I will re-state my entire ‘Welcome’ dialogue at each and every station. As will the Customer Host. We will also announce when the M’s bar is about to close so you’d better hurry up and buy something. Not tea or coffee obviously, as our boiler doesn’t seem to work that often. So that’s… what… 25 or so announcements, each one as loud as the next.
Have a good journey (arriving late, naturally).
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